Vida Brown

Vida Brown

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We Can’t Agree. What Now?

By:  Davida Brown  

Have you and your spouse ever disagreed about an issue, with no resolution in sight?  You are on one end of the spectrum and your spouse is on the other.  You can’t fathom why she or he thinks that way, and no matter how many times you explain your rationale or blow holes in their rationale, the needle doesn’t move AT ALL.  Seemingly, no matter what you do, you can’t move beyond the issue.  So what do you do?

Well, don’t fret.  This is common.  At some point in every marriage, spouses will fundamentally disagree on something important to them individually.  When this happens, both want their way, because they truly believe that their way is the right way and best for their marriage and family.  If you’re in this situation, here are some tips to navigate these tricky waters.

  • Is it really a Big Deal?  When I coach couples in conflict over a particular issue, I often ask each spouse to answer one or more of the following: (1) on a scale of 1 to 10, how important is the issue to you?; (2) why is this issue so important?, (3) is this issue of vital importance to your marriage, such that holding your ground and refusing to budge is in the best interest of your marriage?  Often, they discover that, when it’s all said and done, the issue really isn’t that important.  The disagreement is more about getting their way.  This is understandable.  The values we learned as a child, our relationships with others, and our life experiences shape who we are and how we think.  Our spouse has had different experiences and often doesn’t think the way we do, even on issues where we can’t even see another valid view.  If you and your spouse are at opposite ends of the spectrum on an issue, take a minute and step away from it.  Ask yourself, does this issue, and resolving it my way, really matter to my marriage?  If it doesn’t, then accept your spouse’s view and move forward.  In a healthy marriage, compromise is key.  This means that you can’t always get your way.  As the saying goes, you must learn to pick your battles.

 

  • Is there any validity to my spouse’s view? No matter how smart we are, no matter how many times we've seen it before or done it before, we don’t know everything.  No matter how strongly we feel that our way is the ONLY course of action to take, it’s not.  There’s always another way.  If you and your spouse are facing a difficult issue that’s plaguing your marriage because it remains unresolved, take some time to really listen and understand your spouse’s viewpoint.  Ask yourself is there any validity to his or her position.  If there is (and there always is folks), ask yourself (1) can I adjust my proposed course of action to accommodate my spouse’s views, (2) can I address my spouse’s concern(s) with my proposed approach so that he or she is more amenable to the approach, and/or (3) are there things my spouse could do to make me more comfortable with his or her approach.  Answering these questions should help put you on a path to resolution.

 

  • Pray for discernment.  If you seek HIS guidance, he will provide it. If you just can’t seem to get past an impasse, ask God for help.  He sees what you can’t.  Pray, together, for His help.  Pray, together, and ask that He order your steps and direct your path on this issue.  He will.  The question for you then becomes, will you follow His direction?

 

Trusting After Infidelity Is a Choice

By:  Davida Brown 

Trusting again after a major breach of trust like infidelity is very difficult.  For those of us who’ve experienced infidelity, you feel as though your heart has been ripped from your chest.  The person you thought had your back, didn’t have it.  The person you thought would never intentionally do something to tear your marriage apart, did just that.  The person you thought was committed fully to you and only you, wasn’t.  So what do you do now?  Even if you decide to stay in the marriage, despite the infidelity, how do you ever trust again?

Figuring out how to trust again after infidelity is the issue on which I coach the most.  A survivor of infidelity, I get just how hard this is.  Moving past it can be a herculean effort.  But it can be done.   We did it.  So can you.

How did I do it?  Well, after the roller coaster ride of emotions I experienced on seemingly a daily basis, I ultimately had to answer the following: 

  • Do I want my spouse and my marriage, despite the infidelity?
  • Am I willing to be a great spouse, despite the infidelity, fulfilling all my roles and responsibilities in the marriage?
  • Am I willing to do the work to forgive the infidelity?
  • Am I willing to do the work to trust my spouse again?

Notice my repeated use of “I”.  Moving beyond infidelity and trusting again required me, the betrayed spouse, to act.  So many of us get it in our heads that our spouse has to fix it because he or she broke it.  Yes, your spouse MUST do his or her part.  There is no excuse for the infidelity. None. Yes, your spouse MUST show true remorse for the infidelity. Yes, your spouse MUST ask for forgiveness. Yes, your spouse MUST proactively demonstrate on a consistent basis that he or she is trustworthy.  But at the end of the day, none of that will restore the trust in your marriage.  Trust, like forgiveness, is something that you  give and it’s based on more than what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

We all know that trust is essential to having a successful marriage.  When it’s all said and done, in order to move beyond the infidelity or any major breach in trust, you must make the decision as to whether you will trust again.  And if you decide yes, every single action you take thereafter must be in alignment with that decision.  Make no mistake, implementing that choice will take a lot of work and time, and your spouse must be integral to the process.  But it can be done.  My husband and I are living proof of that.

So if you’re stuck in that fog and can’t figure out how to get out of it, let’s start with a first step.  I ask you, Do You Want Your Marriage?  That answer, that choice, will drive everything.

 

Ready to get started in moving past the infidelity and reclaiming your marriage? We can help. Our self-help workbook, The Trust Is Gone. Help!, will give you the tools you need to begin rebuilding the trust. Click here for details.

 

 

We periodically provide free webinars, articles and other tools to help couples move past the infidelity and get back to a healthy and loving relationship.  Click Here to Join our list

 

You Can’t Fix What You Don’t See

By: Davida Brown  

Your perception is your reality.  And yes, that means that your reality may not be the true reality.  It took me 30+ years to fully embrace this concept.  As a wife and mother now, this phrase is constantly on repeat in my mind when dealing with little, not so little, and yes those whopper issues that plague my marriage from time-to-time.  Oh how I wish I could just snap my fingers and my husband would get it.  I mean how could he possibly think x, y, and z, when everything, and I do mean everything, points to a, b, c?  Some things can mean only one thing, right?  If only that were so.  The fact is, often times spouses will not only have a different view, but won’t be able to fathom how their spouse reached his or her conclusion or why he or she feels the way they do.  And even more, because their perceptions are so different, neither can readily identify the problem causing the conflict.  So where does that leave us? 

No matter how well-intentioned we are, we can’t fix what we can’t see.  Making the correct diagnosis of the conflict in your marriage is key to moving forward and past the crisis.  Here are some key tips to correctly diagnosing the problem or factors contributing to the problems in your marriage.

  • Be committed to discovering the truth, not just your truth.   This requires that you do your best to approach an issue fresh, removing all barriers.  It doesn’t matter that what your spouse is saying, or doing is completely absurd in your view.  Trust me, your spouse doesn’t see it that way.  So instead of looking at him or her cross-eyed, commit to really listening and trying to understand their view or feelings.  You may even need to take some time thereafter to process the information, and that’s okay.  Have follow-up questions? Ask them.  Your goal as a couple should be to listen to understand each other’s perspective.
  • Have an open mind to change.  By this I mean have a mindset to embrace a new way of thinking.  Be ready to embrace the possibility that your way of thinking – no matter how long you’ve thought that way – may not be best for your marriage and may be the source of the problem.  Be open to possibly embracing your spouse’s way of handling a situation or adopting a new way of thinking foreign to you both. 

 Let me illustrate this with an example.  A couple is constantly arguing about money, and more specifically, the lack thereof for family activities.  The husband is a saver and religiously puts 20% of each paycheck (his and his wife’s) into a savings account earmarked for retirement.  His view is that those funds must not be touched and has been unwilling to depart from that philosophy.  They have two kids and with all the day-to-day expenses, child care, and household obligations, there is little left for fun family activities.  The wife is generally on board with the “saving” philosophy, but believes that a portion of the 20% should be allocated to a discretionary account for family activities, vacations, etc.  Every year they have massive battles – worsening each year--  over this issue.  The wife feels a family vacation is required EVERY year.  She did it as a child, wants the kids to experience it, and believes it is paramount to cementing their familial bond.  The husband sees no value in spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on a trip.  They can have movie night or game night at home to connect without any unnecessary expenditure of funds.  Their retirement – and he’s shooting for retirement at 65 – is way more important.  He won’t entertain touching the saving account or 20% allocation of funds to that account.  While he sees the issue, i.e. lack of funds, he doesn’t see that his way of thinking (20% of income MUST go to the retirement account, no ifs ands or buts) as a contributing factor.  In his mind, the way he allocates the 20% is a necessity.  To fix the problem could only entail figuring out how to stretch the other 80% of income to give his wife what she wants (not needs), and it’s not his fault that she’s been unable to do it.

Focusing on the husband for purposes of this illustration, it’s pretty obvious that his reasoning is flawed.  To resolve this issue, he needs to be open to seeing the flaws so that he can see that his reasoning and failure to deviate therefrom is a key cause of the conflict. Sometimes just putting aside what you and your spouse have historically thought about a situation and exploring other modes can help tremendously in either figuring out the problem and/or its causes.

  • Resist Red Herrings.  Red herrings are common during marital conflict.  Instead of trying to figure out the issue at hand, one or both spouses bring up other things.  Continuing with the example above, the husband during arguments on this issue brings up the fact that he doesn’t like some of the recent purchases his wife has made.  It bugs him that she always has to buy name brand instead of generic. He reasons that maybe if she bought generic-brand items, she’d have more money for vacations.  While this “new” conflict is tangentially related, it’s a red herring and doesn’t directly address the problem at hand, i.e. what’s the best use of that 20% for their family, factoring in the desire to save for retirement and family activities.

We all know that marital conflict is inevitable.  By following these tips, you should be one step closer to diagnosing the issue so together as a team you can resolve it.

He Did What?!

By: Davida Brown 

Our lives are full of patterns, and those patterns start very early in life.  This is especially so with respect to how we handle conflict.  All of us started out with a single defense mechanism or coping strategy: crying.  As we grew, so did our strategies.  As adults, most of us have several go-to coping mechanisms that we use when we experience pain or conflict.  My husband typically retreats.  Me, I turn to food.  Others may work out, play sports, or even become violent.  Whatever the coping strategy (good or bad), we all have them and we’ve had them for awhile.  And yes, we use them when dealing with conflict in our marriage.

When I work with couples experiencing marital conflict, I do my best to uncover these patterns.  No two people are the same and most often spouses have very different coping skills.  When we fail to recognize how our partner handles conflict, it colors how we view them, colors how we view a particular situation, and influences the way we respond during the conflict or perceived conflict. 

Here’s an example.  A husband comes home from a long day of work.  His boss really lit into him that day, criticizing his performance on a recent project.  The husband completely disagrees with his boss and is very frustrated.  As soon as he hits the door, he mumbles hello to his wife, goes upstairs, turns on the television and begins playing video games.  He stays there for hours.  He doesn’t come to the dinner table to eat and chooses not to do his evening chores.  The wife, who prepared a wonderful gourmet meal for husband, is pissed.  Not only did he barely speak when he walked in, he didn’t even acknowledge all the hard work she put in to make that incredible meal.  The wife puts the meal away, cleans up the kitchen, and takes out the trash (his job).  On fire, she goes up the stairs and yells at her husband for being so ungrateful.  She then goes to the bedroom and locks it, refusing to let her husband in that night.

So what’s going on here? Well, it’s clear this couple is in a pain>defense>injury cycle –a cycle that will continue to repeat itself if this couple doesn’t make a change.  Let me break this cycle down.

Pain:  The episode at work caused the husband pain and frustration.  He believes he is a good worker and that critique from his boss really made him angry and frustrated.  So, his natural reaction was to turn to his go-to coping mechanism.

Defense: When the husband experiences pain, he tunes the world out and plays video games.  It’s a temporary fix, but it helps him cope with the feelings and emotions he’s experiencing.  Not surprisingly, this pattern – playing video games for hours at a time – is something he’s done to cope with disappointments for the last 20 years.  This retreat to video games has absolutely nothing to do with his wife.  Any other day, he would have kissed her hello, and would have shown great appreciation for the meal she prepared.  But not that day.  He was in a state.  And his first priority was finding a way to deal with the stresses of that day.

Injury:  The husband’s actions, retreating upstairs and playing video games for hours, “injures” or causes pain to the wife.  The wife feels rejected and disrespected.  Her defense/coping mechanisms kicked in and she responded by yelling at her husband and completely distancing herself from him for the night.

This pain >defense > injury cycle will only continue until one or both spouses stop it. Let’s continue with the example to demonstrate the continuing nature of this cycle. By locking her husband out of the bedroom for the night, the wife injures her husband.  He in turn responds by continuing with the video games over the next day or two, or invoking another defense mechanism.  Yes folks, it’s a vicious cycle.

But the good news is, the cycle does not have to continue.  Every couple experiences this cycle at some point, but couples with thriving marriages understand this cycle.  They recognize each other’s coping mechanisms.  They can easily determine when their spouse has invoked it to cope with “pain”, whether such pain is a result of something that happened in the marriage or outside of it. And with that knowledge, they each know how to break the cycle.

When I explain this concept, or cycle to couples, there’s always an aha moment.  How we each decide to cope with life and all the disappointments, hurts and frustrations we experience along the way is part of who we are.  That said, we each have the ability to choose a new or alternative coping strategy – one that will minimize any adverse effect on our marriage.  We can also give in at times and let our spouse go ahead and use that coping mechanism that drives us crazy, without reacting defensively. And yes, at times our spouse must do the same for us. This is fairness folks.  Fairness to ourselves, to our spouse and to our marriage.

So the next time your spouse does that “thing” that pisses you off, that thing that you see time and time again, take a step back.  Figure out what’s really going on before reacting.  It truly may have nothing to do with you.  

There’s Nothing Left to Say…

By:  Davida Brown 

 

No matter how connected we are to our spouse, we all experience conversation lulls in our marriage.  Some may last a day or two, others weeks.  Is this a sign that bad times are around the bend?  Not necessarily.  Let’s face it, sometimes you go through periods when you don’t feel like talking, or, at a particular point in time, you just don’t have anything “worth” sharing.  If you are currently experiencing this in your marriage, don’t be alarmed.  Every couple goes through it.  If however you find that you more often than not have nothing to say to your spouse, that the conversation is often forced, that you really don’t care to converse with him or her, action is required to get things back on track.  Conversation is a key part of communication, and a consistent lack thereof will adversely impact your marriage over time. If this is you, don’t fret.  There are things you can do to restart the conversation. 

 I generally put couples in one of the two following categories:

We talk a lot, but not about us.  Many couples don’t even realize that there’s a lack of critical conversation in their marriage because they are communicating on lots of things that don’t directly impact the marital connection.  Critical conversation here means conversations that feed your marriage.  My husband and I sometimes fall into this category.  We have three kids under ten and a significant amount of our conversations is about the kids: homework, schedules, extracurricular activities, chores, etc.  Admittedly, we sometimes go days at a time without talking about anything but topics related to our children.  Now don’t get me wrong, having those conversations are important, but there must be room to have conversations about things that keep you and your spouse connected on a spiritual and emotional level.  If you fall into this category, I recommend you carve out a minimum of 15 minutes each day to talk about things unrelated to your day-to-day obligations.  Share something funny you heard on the television or that a co-worker said.  Share your opinion on a hot button issue in the news.  Share a new idea you had that day or recently that could positively impact just the two of you, like taking a trip.  Revisit a great memory of just the two of you.  Making the time to have these types of conversations will help maintain and reinforce your connection and ultimately your communication.

We have time to talk, but nothing to say.  Many couples have become so disconnected that it’s like pulling teeth trying to find something to talk about.  And for many, the effort it takes to get reconnected can be overwhelming. 

I find with many couples that the cessation of conversation is gradual.

At some point, one or both realize there’s a communication issue, but either try to wait it out, hoping the issue will resolve itself, or refrain from putting in the effort to improve the connection because of other issues in the marriage.  Either way, I believe to my core, that most couples want to be connected, despite what may be going on in the marriage.  They just don’t know how to turn things around.  If this is you, I recommend that you first take some time to figure out what’s really going on your marriage.  You probably already have a good sense, but if you aren’t communicating with your spouse, he or she may have a very different view on what the underlying issues are in your marriage.  You have to identify the issue before you can fix it.  Depending on the severity of the disconnection, you may need counseling.

 The good news here is that no matter how dire things may be in your marriage, or how severe the disconnection or lack of communication is, you can turn things around.  Here’s why.

 

  • Wanting and committing to improving your marriage and communication is half the battle.  Once you are aligned here, the stage is set for you to do it.
  • There is common ground in your marriage.  Even in the worst of times, you and your spouse agree on at least one area that affects your marriage.  It may be finances, sex, roles/responsibilities, religion.  Whatever it is, no matter how small, use it as a spring board to further your connection.  Make the time to understand how you’ve managed to stay in sync in that area and apply those skills to other areas.  In doing so, guess what? You’re communicating.
  • Help abounds.  If you’re ready to jump start the communication in your marriage and can’t figure out how, there are tons of resources available to you, including marital counseling, marital coaching, self-help books, and likely friends who’ve been through it and come out on the other side.  You don’t have to reinvent the wheel.  Lots of other couples are experiencing the same issue(s) and there is a way to develop and implement a workable road map to strengthen the connection and ultimately the communication in your marriage.

The Little Things In Marriage Aren’t So Little

By: Davida Brown   

After the big day, and let’s be honest several months thereafter, everything is new and fresh.  Even if you’re like us, and dated years before marriage, there’s something about the act of getting married that makes you want to start anew. You want to give it your all, 100+ percent.  Yes, you know your spouse inside and out, flaws and all, but after those I do's you’re ready for a clean slate.   You both want to put your best foot forward.

Well after a few months – years for some – you and the love of your life settle into a routine.  By this time, you’ve likely established concrete roles in your household and you both expect the other to do his/her share consistently.  That’s all a part of marriage.  Additionally, if you’re being honest, you expect your spouse to go a bit beyond the norm, at least every so often, right?  I mean that’s what he or she did before the BIG DAY.  That, at a minimum, should be expected in marriage.

I agree wholeheartedly.  Marriage is really a journey together during this wonderful thing we call “life.” It’s full of all these twists and turns and yes expectations.  And I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with it.  That said, even if it’s perfectly okay to expect your spouse to do his/her share, to put in those extra touches every now and again, it’s not perfectly okay to never recognize it.

I thought hard about this on my drive into work this morning.  This weekend was busy busy busy for us.  Our daughter turned five and we had a huge party for her.  Wanting everything to be absolutely perfect for her, I had a village of folks helping, including my husband, other family, and friends.  The party was magical.  By the time I got home, I was pooped.  I didn’t have the energy to do anything else and barely was able to get things ready for Monday morning.

In the blink of an eye, Monday morning was here.  I was tired, the kids were tired, I was rushing, and we were practically running out the door.  I truly had the Monday morning blues.  As I rushed my 2-year-old son and now 5-year-old daughter  to the car, I remembered that I hadn’t put their car seat/booster seat in the vehicle.  That would add an extra two minutes or so before I could leave, two minutes I could not spare.  Believe it or not, leaving my house merely a minute or two later than usual can delay me 5-10 minutes in getting the kids to school and daycare.  The traffic patterns in my area are crazy.  I could feel my anxiety rising.  I had to hurry hurry hurry.

I opened the door to the car and the car seats were there.  My husband had put them in for me before he left for work.  I felt the relief course through my body.  I got the kids in the car, we made haste and I got my daughter to school on time, with two minutes to spare.

On my way to work, I couldn’t help but think about how this one thing, this “little thing” mattered.  Not only did it ensure that we remained on schedule, but saved me from all the anxiety and irritation that would have started off my week.  My husband didn’t have to do that.  It was an extra thing.  Simply put, its value was immeasurable this morning.  I wonder how many of us stop to think about all the little things our spouse does that offer tremendous value.  What about the little things that don’t pack a punch, but make us smile, make things convenient, or are just plain nice?  Do we recognize these things?  Or, do we just inwardly acknowledge it, but keep it moving.

I called my husband, as I always do on my commute to work, and I thanked him for his gesture. I told him how much I appreciated him and how much it means to me that he thinks of me and our family and takes it upon himself to go out of his way to make things easier for me.

I know I’m not alone here.  While we all have our roles and responsibilities in marriage, it’s important that we acknowledge those things our spouse does, no matter how small, to make our lives easier.  So today, take a moment to say thank you for a little thing, maybe a big thing, your spouse has done for you lately.  Let him or her know that the “little thing” isn’t little.  It matters.

Does Your Spouse "Check" You?

By: Davida Brown

 

Every so often, things with me get a wee bit out of control.  I pride myself on keeping it together, especially in public, but every now and again, I lose it. And sometimes, I'm out of order.  Thankfully, during those times, my husband, the love of my life, my boo thang, my man with the master plan, "checks" me.

So what is this "check" me thing, you may be thinking.  Well, here's what it's not.  It's not taking control of me.  It's not patronizing or belittling me.  It's not a, "you'd better do x, y, and z."  It's not a, "why are you so emotional and over the top."  Each of those things would be a big no no, and likely send me over the edge when I'm in this state.  Rather, it's a straight-up assessment of the situation, the relevant facts, and what needs to happen on my part to move forward or beyond the issue whether I like it or not, or want to hear it or not.  And when the hubby gives me that when I'm in my "wee bit out of control state", yes, he's "checking" me. Here's a recent example.

A couple weeks ago, I picked up my 1-year-old son, Grant, from daycare and he had multiple scratches and bruises on his forehead and nose.  It was clear he had fallen while playing, but I was perturbed.  Why was he running on the concrete? Was anyone watching him?  Toddlers fall all the time, I get that, but when he falls with me all the time he doesn't get that degree of bruising. I talked with the staff and asked that they pay extra attention to baby boy. He's fast, will fall over and over again, and they need to ensure that he doesn't get hurt.  They assured me they would be vigilant.

Literally three days later, I walk into the house and over to my son and he has an additional black brusie on his check.  I tell you, he looked as though he'd been in a fight.  I lost it. My husband explained that he apparently fell and hit his cheek on the toddler's table at the daycare. I was beside myself.  Who was watching him????? I started pacing back-and-forth.  I was so angry and every time I looked at my son's face, I got even angrier.  My son wasn't safe there, I reasoned, and his face was all the proof I needed.  I told my husband I was taking him out of the daycare as soon as I could find a replacement center.  My husband didn't disagree, as he honestly was a bit concerned too.  That night, I tossed and turned.  I couldn't sleep.  I had to work the next day, so I couldn't stay home with Grant and care for him.  I was so uncomfortable sending him back to that daycare that I was almost in tears.  What was I to do?

The next morning, I asked my husband to go with me to the daycare so that we could talk to the director. I planned to advise her that we would be pulling Grant out as soon as we could and that in the interim, I wanted her to explain in detail her plan to keep my child safe and bruise-free until that time.  When we arrived, I spoke first with his teachers.  I wanted to hear their account.  Now, I was still at about a 10 in the anger department.  I know my eyes were spitting fire, the "mother bear" in me front and center.  His primary teacher explained what happened and gave me further details about both instances.  With the first, as it turns out, Grant was with his speech therapist at the time.  It was his second session with the therapist, so she isn't as familiar with Grant and his propensity to take off running.  While the teachers apparently were nearby, they weren't directly overseeing him, as the therapist takes on this role during the sessions.  As for the second instance, the teacher explained that Grant started to have a tantrum and during that episode fell and hit his face against the table.

Yeah yeah was what I was thinking.  Both could have been prevented in my view.  The therapy sessions, if conducted outside, should have still been on the tarp areas, so that if he darted away from the therapist and fell, he wouldn't have injured himself.  And as for the second episode, toddlers have tantrums.  Grant has them all the time at home and has never had a bruise of that magnitude as a result.  I was not placated one bit.  My husband was.

As we waited to see the director, I told him I still wanted to pull Grant from the daycare.  My husband responded,

Here's how I see it.  The first incident was probably a poor judgement call by the staff and therapist.  He shouldn't have been on the concrete, but it was their second session and first time having the session outside.  I chalk that up as an accident that can be prevented in the future.  As for the second, the room Grant's in is typical for toddlers. The table is round, not sharp. While I hate that he fell and hit his face, it was an accident that could have happened with any of us around.  It's the timing that's bothering you the most.  Had they each happened two or three months apart, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.  We like this daycare, we like his teachers, Grant is blossoming. You said so recently yourself.  All the things we want for Grant are being achieved here. After hearing everything and letting the episodes play out in my mind, I honestly am not as concerned as I was yesterday.  I think this is still a safe and nurturing environment.  Pulling him out would be an overreaction to me. But let's talk to the director and see how you feel after. I need you to be comfortable with his care.

He checked me. As I let his words settle, I realized that he was right.  It was really the timing of the incidents that bothered me and made me feel as if the staff weren't looking out for my baby.  Yes my feelings were legit and yes I was in my right to "lose it", but at some point I had to make a decision that was not based on emotion. We talked extensively with the director and I did indeed feel much better afterwards.

Marriage is truly a partnership.  When one falters, loses control or just needs another brutally honest opinion, the other steps in. Somehow, I think I actually love my husband even more.  He can "check" me anytime.

 

 

The Marriage Rocks Self-Help Guide to Rebuild Trust in your Marriage

 

Ready to Trust Again? 

 

Your spouse cheated. You feel betrayed. The trust is gone. How can you ever get past something so world-shattering?

Recovering from infidelity and trusting again may be one of the hardest things you do. The hurt, anger, jealousy and betrayal you feel can be paralyzing, but rest assured, it can be done. In fact, not only can you fully recover from the infidelity, you and your spouse can fully rebuild the trust in your marriage.  The question for you is, do you want your marriage, and if so, do you want it to thrive?  If your answer is yes, you must rebuild the trust and the only way to do it is to take action.

The Trust Is Gone. Help! is written by Davida Grant Brown, a certified marriage coach and Co-Founder of yesmarriagerocks.com, who transparently shares her own experience with infidelity and many components of the signature process she and her husband developed to help couples who want to save their marriage after infidelity.  So, if you have a burning desire to save your marriage and move forward and you recognize yourself in one of these categories below, then The Trust Is Gone. Help! can help you: 

  • Don't know if you even have the ability to trust again.
  • Are tired of waiting for the next shoe to drop
  • Are tired of checking his phone, email and social media pages
  • Don’t know how to convert your decision to forgive and trust him again into actually forgiving and trusting him
  • Are looking for someone who’s been there, done that, and is not family, a friend or connected to your church

This practical self-help guide not only identifies the issues preventing you from moving forward, but gives you specific questions to answer and actions to perform individually and as a couple in critically important areas of your marriage so that you can actually move past the infidelity and restore trust in your marriage.

The Trust Is Gone. Help! provides step-by-step strategies that will help you:

• Figure out if you want your marriage and how to make that decision without conditions
• Perform a mental reset to put you in the best position to trust again or be trustworthy
• Translate the decision to forgive into forgiveness in your heart
• Identify any underlying issues in your marriage that may have contributed to the infidelity
• Establish clear boundaries moving forward, including Dos and Don’ts for each spouse
• Develop opportunities to build and exercise trust

The Trust is Gone. Help! is a pragmatic approach to equipping couples with the necessary tools to move forward and beyond the infidelity, together. This book is another resource provided by Marriage Rocks, LLC (www. yesmarriagerocks.com) to help couples enhance and strengthen their marriage.


Available here.

 
 Usually shipped within 5 business days.

(3-5 weeks for international shipments).