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My Spouse Refuses to Have Sex With Me

Question: My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and for the past year its like i have to beg him to have sex with me. I ve brought it to his attention how we are not intimate with each other like we use to be and he said things will change.  That was 6 months ago. Now when i ask him, he just tells me no or later or the weekend. I don't know what to do.

Answer: I can see how much this problem is worrying you, but take a deep breath. The first thing to do in situations like this is to rule out any possible medical causes for your husband's decrease in libido. Several medical conditions, such as diabetes or low testosterone, can cause the libido to decrease. Instead of continuing to pursue sex, perhaps you need to take a different approach. Check in on him and ask him how he is feeling. Often, with a low libido also comes fatigue, irritability, lack of concentration, among other things. If he has these symptoms as well, that is all the more reason to see his doctor for a full physical work up with a full blood panel. 

If medical causes are ruled out, then it will be time to explore the emotional causes. Understand that sex is usually the last component in a marriage to go, which means there may be unmet emotional needs that your husband is experiencing. It may be time for you to do a gut check and ask yourself these questions: "Am I doing enough to meet my husband's emotional needs?" "Do I even know what my husband's emotional needs are?" "Am I willing to focus more on his emotional needs?" Here is the bottom line. It seems that the more you pursue him for sex, the more pressured he feels and, in turn, the more distant he will become. Remember, there is a lot more to intimacy than sex. If you need guidance with this, I would suggest marriage counseling to explore what unmet emotional needs your husband is having. I also suggest that you read the book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, PhD. This is an excellent book that may help you understand what your husband needs to feel loved and may even give you insight into what you need to feel loved as well. This problem can be overcome. Do not give up and keep the faith! God bless!

Abigale Hassel

Abigale S. Hassel is a licensed Clinical Social Worker, and individual and couples counselor. MSW, LCSW, OSW-C.

**The advice provided represents the opinions of the author.  It is not to be considered therapy or professional advice of any kind.  If you require such advice, you should consult an appropriate professional.  Refer to the Marriage Rocks Website Terms and Conditions (link in page footer) for other applicable terms and conditions.**


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